Gotta Learn to Get Happy Along the Way

Mother’s Day.

For what seems like forever, it’s been a day I’ve dreaded.  I hated walking through stores seeing the signs and cards and constant reminders of one of the hardest days of the entire year for me.  Ever since I lost my Mom, my best friend, Mother’s Day has just plain sucked.  That was compounded with years and years of infertility.  Month after month of disappointment.  And, I mean month after month after month of hopeful anticipation and then the utter heartbreak that comes along with that negative pregnancy test.  (I finally quit buying tests-seeing all those negative  results just got to be too much for me).  In the thick of it all, about 3 years ago, after trying almost every treatment available, surgeries, etc and no luck, I lost all hope.  I was just about to give up on the hope of ever again experiencing another joyful Mother’s Day.

Then, after months of contemplating, we decided to pull out the “big guns”, so to speak- InVitro Fertilization (IVF).  Never in a million years did I think I would want to try something so extreme (I never thought it would come down to that, honestly).  But after a “come to Jesus” meeting of sorts with our Dr (after double-digit months of fertility drugs, 8 consecutive months of inseminations with drugs, surgeries, and zero luck), I realized that IVF was our only hope.  Add to that realization, the help and encouragement received from family and friends, I finally realized that I wanted to give it one try.  I realized that if I didn’t try at least once, I would probably regret it for the rest of my life- the wondering, the “what ifs”- I don’t think I could’ve handled that.  Craig and I agreed that we wanted to give it our all.  We were prepared for a negative outcome but once again, we had hope-something that had left me in the years leading up to this decision.

60 shots in the tummy/thighs/butt; countless # of needle sticks for blood tests; too many “intimate meetings with my Dr”< if you know what I mean> to count; multiple procedures and many sleepless nights later………. the miracle of miracles……….. My 1st ever POSITVE pregnancy test!  Out of the 4 years we tried, I probably took at least 40 tests with not one positive outcome.  You can probably imagine my disbelief.

Ahh…. but it WAS real.  My dream was becoming a reality.  For the 1st time in as long as I could remember, Mother’s Day, May 2008, when I was 6 months pregnant with my belly popping out, was joyful again.  Nothing could wipe the smile off my face- I was about as happy as I could ever imagine myself to be on that special day.

That is, until Mother’s Day 2009.

Amazing.  That’s all I have to say.  I woke up to Luci and Daddy walking into the room, Luci holding a card with a big smile on her face.  Luci certainly spoiled me rotten.  She got me a spa gift certificate (it’s funny how she knows already, at such a young age EXACTLY what her Mommy likes).  Followed by a Mother’s Day Brunch at one of my favorite Austin restaurants.  Then, followed by an entire day of what Mommy wanted to do.  Luci somehow even talked her Daddy into giving up his sports-tv addiction for an entire day, all for Mommy!

Throughout the day, I did a lot of self-reflection.  Look how far we’ve come. It’s absolutely unbelievable.  I cannot believe it worked, all the stars aligned somehow and now we have our beautiful baby girl here, smiling, crying and throwing fits, fartin’, laughing, learning, loving and living.  It really blows my mind how entirely lucky we are.  Our dream has come true.  All I can say is we couldn’t have done it without all of you out there- our family and friends whom we love so dearly- your support has meant the world to us.  I couldn’t have made it through the rough times- really, the last 10 years have been pretty darn hard, without all of you.

It’s been easy for me to get down, to feel sorry for myself over the years.  However, all of that negativity has gone out the window now.  All I have to do is look at Luci’s smiling face to realize I am no longer a pessimist.  Life is amazing.  Sure, I expect it to throw more curve balls my way but now, I feel much more equipped to handle them.  I’ve tossed my misery out the door and I’ve learned to get a little happy along the way…….. For, what, at one time seemed entirely impossible, is now a reality.  We have our Luci.  Because of that, now anything seems possible!  I’m truly a changed person.

I absolutely cannot imagine if I hadn’t taken the chance.  The leap of fate.  IVF was expensive.  IVF was scary.  IVF put my body through hell.  IVF put poor Craiggie through hell- he had to deal with my crazy hormones and he was the one who had to give me all those shots- I think they hurt him more than they hurt me!  But, ya know what?  IVF gave us Luci.  I am so so so glad we took that one last chance.  If we hadn’t…. oh, God, I don’t even want to think about it.

So, if I’ve learned anything from this (well besides the fact that my family, friends and my Craig are INCREDIBLE), it’s that you’ve gotta take chances in life.  You never know what amazing things can happen unless you try.  In honor of taking chances and being happy along the way, take a listen to this rad and kinda inspiring song Diamonds and Gold by Langhorne Slim .

So now, Mother’s Day just happens to be the happiest of days.  I still miss my Mom, of course I do.  But, I see her spirit in Luci and now the tears I cry on this special day every May are going to be happy tears instead of those of the other, sadder persuasion.

Interested in learning more about infertility?  Know someone going through it?  Check out this great site for information on how you can be most supportive.  Includes a great section on infertility etiquette.  I can tell you from experience that the last thing someone going through this awful medical condition wants to hear is “just relax and it will happen”. Cuz, that’s not always the case.  Sometimes, in the case of medical infertility,  it takes thousands of dollars and a lot of tears.  And for some people, even after all of that, it’s impossible.